7.20.2004

Intensely personal post ahead -- be warned!

Wow, it's been so long since I've blogged. I'm so sorry -- I've been away with limited to no computer access. So much has happened though. I don't even know where to begin. I suppose the first thing to mention was that the most recent thing I've gotten back from was a mission trip with my church. We were in the Pine Ridge Indian reservation area, which is one of the poorest regions in the US. Some basic facts:

• Population: 20,000 Lakota people
-half of the population is under 18 years old
• Unemployment: 85%
• People want to work but there is no industry, etc.
• Per Capita Income: $4,000.00
• Life Expectancy:
- Male 55 (U.S. Avg. 75)
- Female 60 (U.S. Avg. 80)
• Infant Mortality Rate:
- The infant mortality rate on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is twice the national rate.
• Suicide Rate:
-is higher than the national average
• Health Statistics:
- Twice the national average for deaths due to heart disease
- Diabetes is 350% higher than the national average
• Children in Poverty:
- 69% of the children on the Pine Ridge Reservation live below the poverty line.
(information from Red Cloud Indian School, a place I actually visited)

The four liquor/beer stores/bars in White Clay, one of the villages in Pine Ridge that I was working it sell about four million dollars worth of beer every year. The whole community just seems depressed. It was a very very sad place, and it made me feel both infinitely grateful for everything I had, and made me so want to share what I had with others. I spent two days working with the children on the res. That in itself was amazing. There were basically two types of children -- the type that obviously had had a hard life and wanted all the love they could get, and the type that had obviously had a hard life and were distrustful of everyone because of the experiences they'd had. It was so sad to see kids so young and yet so hurt inside and so cynical. One of the guys in our group forged a really strong relationship with one of the kids, a little boy named Timmy, and he did something so sweet it almost made me cry. The guy in my group, John, was talking to Timmy and found that Timmy didn't have any shoes. John -- John takes Timmy and goes to buy him some shoes. It was a simple thing, but one of the most caring things I've ever seen. Also while we were working with the kids, I put on two skits with a few other people. The first one was great! It involved a guy with a foot for a head, and lots of chanting in loud voices. The second one, well, we got the script for the second one about five minutes before we had to do the script. Yeah...

After two days working with the kids, my group, the Ewoks (all the groups had Star Wars themed names, although I didn’t get that at first. I thought the Storm Troopers were meteorologists), went to work a store that used to be a bar, and then a bowling alley, and is now going to be a thrift shop/soup kitchen/community center/recycling project. The Ewoks had the easiest site to work on, and I had the easiest job out of the Ewoks. While Jedis and Wookies and Tuscan Raiders painted houses and built tee pees and cleaned grounds in 100°+ weather, we worked in air conditioning, and while others in my group dry walled and painted and laid carpet, I sorted and folded clothes. It was fun work, and though it was easy, it was still work and I felt like I was really accomplishing something. Also, while I was working, a woman who worked in the thrift shop came in to help myself and another Ewok who was working with me. She told us this absolutely incredible story.

The woman, Laurie, had a son who was born with deformed legs. He was born like that because she had been using drugs heavily while she was pregnant. When he was three or four, one of her friends dragged her to a prayer meeting. The leader of the meeting, who she'd never met, seen, or heard of before walked over to her. He looked at her and said, "You have a son at home with deformities, don't you?" She said yes, and he said, "And his legs barely work because you had to enjoy your drugs while you were pregnant. Does that make you happy?" Laurie started crying, and said no, no it didn't. The man sat down with her, and told her he was going to pray with her. He did, and then told her that when she got home, she was going to throw out all of her drugs, and her son was going to be healed. Laurie got rid of her drugs, and she's been clean ever since, close to six years. A few days after the incident at the prayer meeting, she took her son to the doctor. The doctor asked the nurse for the x-rays of Laurie's son. The nurse handed them to her, and the doctor said, "I'm not stupid. These aren't the x-rays of this boy." The nurse insisted they were, so the doctor asked for new x-rays. When the x-rays came in, the doctor went to Laurie and said, "Ma'am, do you believe in miracles? Because your son is completely healed."

Every time I've told that story, chills have gone down my spine. How can anyone doubt my God? I'm so glad I got the opportunity to hear it first hand, because I don’t think I'd have believed it if someone else had told it to me. It sounds like one of those chain emails, but it actually happened, happened to someone I know. I know it's hard to believe, especially if you only know me from what I've written on this blog, but it's the truth, it happened, and it happened by the grace of God. I've had moments of doubt before, sometimes very long moments, but there is simply no way I can not believe after hearing of such a miracle. That in itself would be enough to make a believer out of me, but I felt God in so many other ways that week. I felt him by simply serving his people, I felt him so much when we were singing worship songs. There is an old saying in my church, that when someone sings, they pray twice, but I feel like I really pray four times over. When I worship through song, I feel like I'm giving God the actual words I'm singing, as well as the music and the melody I'm dedicating to him. I'm giving him the work it takes to make my throat and voice work, as well as giving up any insecurities I might feel about singing in public. However, many people who worshiped in large groups know that it's really the imperfect voices that make it beautiful. Even the people who might sing off key -- you know it just takes that much more for them to sing in public, so they're giving that much more of themselves to God. Singing and music in general is so amazing.

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While I was there, though, I also discovered praying/worshiping through writing. I had a journal and every day during devotion time, I wrote my prayers in it. I'm going to post them here, exactly as I wrote them, except for spell check and with personal prayers for my friends slightly edited to take their names out.

July 12

Dear Lord, please help me to share your love. You have blessed me with so much -- please help me use those blessings for the good of people less fortunate than me. Help me to know your will, and then give me the strength to accomplish the tasks you set in front of me. Help ___ to know how very much he is loved. Help ___ gain confidence and friendship. Help ___ learn to trust. Help ___ to -- you know better than I what he needs. Help him get what he needs from this trip. Help ___ continue to feel your presence. Help ___ understand why she's on this trip. Help ___ continue to be as friendly and outgoing as she is. Help all of us grow in you this week. Thank you thank you thank you for this beautiful world we live in. Help me to understand my place in it. Help me feel confident in your love and the love you my friends and family. Please keep us all safe to serve you, and let us have the strength to give you our all. Help me to concentrate on YOU this week and nothing else -- IE, not on how I look or cute guys. Give me the courage to approach strangers, give me the joy to laugh in the face of adversary. Help me grow close to friends old and new -- strengthen my relationships with those I'll be coming home with, and build my relationships with those I may never see again. Give me the courage to be myself -- nothing more and nothing less. Thank you for the love you've given me and help me to share your love with others. Thank you God. Amen.

July 13

Dear Lord, thank you for this day. Your world is so beautiful. Thank you for the friends I made, and the friendships I've made stronger. Please give me the courage to be myself, and please keep us safe to serve you. Help those in the community. Help the kids we've worked with feel your love in or presence. Help us to be like Jesus, and let your love reflect in our lives. Let the kids know they're safe, and help them come to trust us, and you. Please shelter them in your arms. Please keep me from focusing on what I or others look like. Let me look on the inside and see what you see, not just the physical. Thank you again for this day. Help me serve you better every day. Amen.

July 14

Dear God, please please please help me get through this day, and help me do it with a simile on my face. I’m so tired. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it. Just give me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of another. Help me see the good in my tiredness, help me not play it up. Help me function as well as I can. I’m in your hands, God. Please save me. Give me the courage to keep going when I feel like running upstairs to nap. Thank you for giving me friends who love me. I know you’re working in my life every second of every day of every year. Please show me how I fit in your plans. Most Holy God, I love you. I worship you. Here I am to bow down – it be the truth. Again, help me strengthen my relationships. Please keep ___ safe in your hands, and ___ as well. Help me to fully rely on God. Please keep me centered on you for the rest of this week. Help me to feel your love and show that love to others. Thank you for the many good experiences I’ll have to take home with me. Help me to learn from the not so good ones. Lord, I love you. I love you more than my life. Thank you for blessing me with my presence. Please stay with me for the rest of my life. People come and go in and out of my life, but you, God, you will be with me forever. Thank you for that. Thank you for being a friend when I needed one so badly. Thank you for always loving me, no matter what I do or how stupid I am. You’ve blessed me, Father, and I thank you so much for all you’ve given me. Thank you for giving me so many wonderful experiences and new relationships. I’ve learned so much on this trip, and I feel blessed for the opportunity to share all your blessings with others. Once again, I love your Lord. In your name and the name of your Son Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

July 15

Dear God, we’re approaching the end of this amazing week. Thank you so much for letting me have the opportunity to serve in such an amazing way. You are my God. Help me spend my life doing your will. Help me to share this amazing love I’ve felt with others. Thank you for giving me so many talents, and thank you for giving me so many people who love me. Help people see your light shining through my eyes. I love you. In your name, Amen.

Almost not quite prayer, after a highly emotional experience that had every girl in the room and most of the guys sobbing.

Last year {on the mission trip} I cried like every day, not always for good reasons. This time, I didn’t cry at all, except for a little misty eyed last night. Well, I guess I must have been just saving it up, because I absolutely sobbed tonight. Thank you Lord for the love I felt. The tears I cried this week were for you, God, and in honour of your power and love. You’ve blessed me so immensely.

July 18
I’m now home from the trip

It’s been awhile since I prayed for a long period of time, Lord. I’m home safely now, and I thank you for that. Please God, help me to continue to set aside time to spend with you. I love you, and I love taking with you. The week I spent being your hands was the most incredible week I’ve ever had, Lord, even over Globals. I’m so so glad I got to share the love that has touched my life. Speaking of love, please help ___ and ___ continue to love you, and in you, each other. Help them to stay close. Help me to let go of mistakes I’ve made in the past. I know I’ve made a lot, but I also know there is nothing I can do about them. Help me to simply learn from them and not repeat them. Thank you for my family, especially for the time I got to spend with ___ this week. Thank you for my friends – for the friends who didn’t/couldn’t come, for the friends who did who I got even closer to, for the friends from other church groups, for the friends from the community. Help me to love them in your name, and thank you for blessing me with so many wonderful people in my life. Help me to treasure those people. Help me to know that I have so much more than what I nee, and help me to be generous. Thank you for the clothes in my closet, the lovely house I live in, with it’s clean bathrooms and good food, and excellent school just down the road. Thank you for the cars in our garage, and our beautiful view of the lake. Thank you for my computers, and for the skills to use them. Thank you for water every time I turn on the tap, a shower anytime I want one, and a phone I can pick up every time I want to go hang out with my friends. Thank you for the music that fills my house, and the love. Thank you for everything I have Lord, but most of all than you for loving me and sending your son to die for me. Thank you for your mercy and grace. I love you and want to spend my life serving you. Please send me where you want me to go Lord. I will say yes. Amen.

July 19

Dear Lord, I have so many things to thank you for I don’t even know where to begin. As always, thank you so much for this beautiful world, for the day you’ve blessed us with, and for all your animals. Thank you for my friends, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk to/spend time with tem this week. Please help me to keep the mission trip mentality as I continue my normal life. You made me God, and I am yours to do with as you will. As of today, please help me to be strong in you. Help me to know when I’m doing something you disapprove of, and then help me to do the harder task – to stop doing it Let your light shine through me in everything I do. Let me be an example, a friend, a role model, a confidant – let me be whatever I need to be to serve your people and through them, you. Please help me to remain myself while doing all that. Help me stay strong in my faith, and help me to help others in your name. I love you so much. Amen.

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I had so many amazing experiences on the mission trip, and more than I could possibly hope to blog about. I formed a not-getting-the-jokes club with one of my friends, as we never got the jokes. The Texans had awesome accents, and I always had to poke fun at them when they were fixing to do the warsh. I mean, golly, anyone who asks for a coke instead of a pop is just full of malarkey. But I loved them, they were great. And the guys all carried around knives, which was a touch startling. Oh, and I was so dang gullible on the trip. Someone would be like, "Hey Penni, look over there!" and I'd look and say "Where? I don't see anything..." and everyone would laugh. It was fun though. Okay, I think that's quite long enough for one post!

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I'm listening to Vindicated, by Dashboard Confesional
~me~ at 1:44 AM
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