10.26.2004

First, thanks for the support that everyone's given me. I loff you all! I'm doing a little better. It's 7, and I've barely cried at all so far today, just a little teary-eyed. I'm really tired though. All the stress and grief is having the combined (really sucky) effect that although I'm even more tired than I usually am, I can't sleep well at all. And always when I'm tired I'm more prone to sadness and/or tears, so it's kind of "vicious cycle". I just feel really weak, and I hate it. I hate not being in control, and I hate not being able to help their family more than I am.

I went to the visitation after school today with a bunch (~20) of other band students. It was really rough, but I managed to keep it together and I didn't cry. None of us knew what to do though. I stood next to Eric, and we had a conversation that went, almost word for word, like this:
Him: So...
Me: So...
*long pause*
Me: So...
Him: Uhm...so...
Me: I don't know what to do.
Him: No one does.
*long pause*
Him: So...

Then, we all herded around Mike, and talked to him for awhile. He seemed a little better -- he was able to joke around a bit, and he smiled several times. Also, there was an english teacher there that is very nice, but has a reputation for being crazy-weird, and we tried to protect him and keep her from seeing him, although it didn't work. I think having Hannah {his girlfriend, one of my good friends} there helped him a lot. I was wondering where Lauren {Eric's girlfriend, I've known her since she lived down the street from me in elementary school} was though, I think Eric could have used her. We talked to Mike for quite a while, and it was almost a normal conversation, except for Nadine's body across the room. Huhhhhhhh. That was rough. Then, we herded Mike and Eric together, and mobbed them in a good way and group-hugged them. All in all, it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. Mike and Eric were close enough to being themselves that I wasn't completely uncomfortable around them, and a lot of my friends were there. I was scared though, before we got there. That was my first visitation, and I didn't know what to do or expect. It was all right though. I think it was good for Mike and Eric to see almost all of the band band (heh heh heh) together to help support them. Also, I think it was better for them to talk with their friends than to just sit there and think. Huhhhhh. (that's a long sigh, if you haven't figured it out). It was a difficult experience, and this week will continue to be difficult (Oh, did I tell you? We made it to State! And Mike is our drum major. Huhhhh, once more. I don't know how he's going to be able to cope.). I'm a little more optimistic, though. I think we're going to be able to pull each other through, somehow. It'll probably be extremely painful and difficult, but I think we just need to bond (not bong, as I originally typed...) together and help each other out. I really love all my nerdy band friends. ~me~ at 7:25 PM
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