11.19.2004

I was really excited this morning. Today was exam day, and my first block went really well. There wasn't actually a test, we'd just had to have a short story we'd written to bring in for peer critique. My story was well-received, and, since it was my sci/fi-fantasy class, we had a Hobbit breakfast to end the term. There was lots of good foods, and funny things going on. I was laughing and smiling and really excited because I thought today was shaping up to be a good day. I walk into band, and I'm still excited because we retook our chair tests and I had VERY high hopes of getting a better chair (Oh, didn't I say earlier? We took chair tests a few days ago. I'd been sitting second, and then I was moved to fourth. I was not that happy.) I was hoping to maybe get my second back, but at least move to third because I though I'd done a lot better the second time around. Yeah, I got fifth. Yeah, I walked out on band. Yeah, I sat in the bathroom and cried all hour. Yeah, I'm crying as I write this. Yeah, I'm pretty freaking depressed. But it gets even better. I'd been worrying on and off all day about my history exam. I wasn't very confident that I knew what I was supposed to. I get in and we had an period to study and an period to take the exam. First, I apparently fell asleep while I was supposed to be studying, because I set my head down on my desk, because all the crying the last hour kind of wore me out, and when I picked it up it was like ten minutes later. Then, I get the exam, and basically think "Oh ####." I didn't know anything. We get our exams back (although first I come rather close to passing out because he said there wasn't a curve -- seriously, my knees went out and I nearly landed on the floor. And he wasn't even serious. It was a joke. Don't joke about my grades, kthx), and I discovered I hadn't failed it. No, I just got a 62%. Luckily, the curve was huge so it'll be recorded as a B-, but still. A 62. And in band, people were like, "Oh, Penni, it's not that bad. You can challenge your way back to your spot." With both of these things, it's not the grade or the chair alone. I'm a big believer in the teachers don't give grades, you earn them theory. And knowing that I earned a 62, knowing that I earned fifth freaking chair, well, can anyone say self-esteem crusher? I feel like such a fricking failure. And I already had enough bad things going on. I didn't need any more, I don't think I can handle anymore. I remember a time when crying in school wasn't normal, wasn't something I did generally two or three times a week. Where did that time go? Why did all these bad things hit me now? I've had enough bad things for like three years, and I've gotten them all in about three weeks. I don't know if I can handle it anymore.

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So guys, can you do me a favor? Tell me about the good things in life. Tell me all the reasons life is worth living. Convince me that "There's some good in this world...and it's worth fighting for." (and before you get worried, I'm most definitely not suicidal, so don't think that)

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I'm listening to: My happy cd, but it's not making me very happy. More precisely, Bowling For Soup's Life After Lisa. This song isn't that happy, but it's strong, and it makes me want to sing along, and that makes me happy, so it's a good song. ~me~ at 5:56 PM
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