11.23.2004

Man I post a lot. And long posts too, a lot of the time. And now I've got a free hour, so I'll probably be posting even more (Because, you know, it's infinitely more fun than doing what I ought to be doing--my homework, usually). Anyway, I wrote this during my second hour, but the computer freaked out and it didn't post properly. Yesterday, I had a good day, as I briefly mentioned. I didn't mention that a key factor in my having a good day was the fact that I skipped band. (And, I love that I didn't get marked absent, not because it wasn't noticed that I was gone, but because my teacher assumed I was doing something important, because Penni wouldn't just skip. The joys of being a good kid.) I'm worried. Right now I'm thinking I ought to drop band, because it depresses me so much. I was fine first hour, chilled out second hour, and got immensely sad at the thought I had to go to band. I suffered--really, suffered--through an excruciating seventy two mins, and was down all through lunch and into fourth hour. I was fine by the end of history and for all of last hour science. Yesterday was great because I didn't go to band. It seems simple, right? If band makes me sad and I don't enjoy it, I should drop the class. But the problem is that--I don't like band-the-class, not at all, but I love playing, and I love all my band friends, and I love marching band. I worry that if I weren't in band, I wouldn't be up on all the band gossip (and believe me, there's enough of it), and I'd never see my friends. I also worry that if I weren't in band, I'd never play, and I don't want to just lose my skill. Although it's apparently not that impressive, considering I got fifth chair. And Sam beat me. Anyway, I suppose I could take private lessons...but, I dunno. I don't think it would be the same. Hmm. I think this is going to be my plan of action--get through this new tri without changing my schedule. Next tri, band isn't technically on my schedule, so I'll try going without it, and see if it's better or worse. If it's better, I'll just do marching season and not concert. If it's worse, I'll do the whole year. (And one of the joys of living in a small town--I mentioned to someone I was thinking about dropping band during band, and by the time lunch was over, someone else who I don't know very well came up to me and told me she thought I shouldn't drop)Anyway, do you guys think my plan sounds ok? Give me some feedback. And tell me you love me, because I need to hear it.

I know I'm being kind of needy, but well--I'm feeling kind of needy. I know this isn't fair to a lot of you, I realize I'm being slightly irrational, but hear me out. Then, you can get mad at me, hate me, never talk to me again, it's your decision. Although I hope you don't. Anyway, I feel like I devote a lot of my time and energy to my friends and their problems--probably more than you guys know, because I worry/think/care about all my friends a lot, even when I'm not talking to them directly. And then, when I try to tell you guys stuff about how I'm feeling, I feel like nobody cares and no one's really listening. I know in my head that's not true, but knowing something in my head and knowing it in my heart are two different things. And I know sometimes I say I don't want to talk about stuff, but, don't believe me. Maybe I just don't want to talk right then, or right there. I would love it-love it-if someone called me, or started a conversation with me. Also, this is maybe selfish, but I would love it if when I was talking to someone, they didn't A)tell me, implicitly or explicitly, that things aren't as bad as I'm making them out to be, and I'm overreacting, and B) didn't shift the focus of the conversation to themselves and their problems, which are of course so much worse than mine.

Ok, I'm going to stop being whiney and irrational now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just think that if people don't know there is a problem they can't try to fix it.

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I'm listening to: Louis Armstrong's Wonderful World, with some lovely saxophone accompaniment. ~me~ at 6:01 PM
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