12.03.2004

Huh. He (see previous entry) isn't talking to me. Not at all. He walked over to me a couple times and looked like he was about to say something, but didn't. He read the note, I know he did, because I saw him reading it, but I don't know what's going on in his head. I still don't even know if he really WAS thinking about suicide or not. I tried to talk to him, I was like "Hey, do you want to go somewhere and talk to me?", but he just looked at me and walked away. I talked to one of the other PALs in my school, and told him, without names, what was going on, and that was a good thing, to just talk about it a little, but it didn't change the fact that my friend's not saying anything. And like, he'll say hi to my friends when I'm sitting right there and not say a word to me. And I really put quite a lot of effort into staying friends with him after certain events that I can't reveal without losing confedntiality. I don't want to lose it all now. And like I said last post, I really would rather have him alive and well, hating me, than dead, but that's what I'd rather have. I'd rather have a cavity filled than teeth pulled, but that doesn't mean I don't just plain want healthy teeth. And for all I'd rather have him alive, I want him to still be my friend. I want him to talk to me and tell me what's going on. And I'm sad that he's so angry right now. And I KNOW I did the right thing, and if I had to do it over I do the same thing, but. I wish life were a little easier.

And, being selfish but, I really JUST got over depression of my own and I don't have enough emotional stability to deal with someone else's. I mean, I'm at a state that I can be a kind of sounding board for me friends to vent, and I can listen to them and not get saddened by their problems, but this is a little more serious than missing an assignment or being grounded or whatever and I'm having a hard time keeping myself together. I really didn't need this right now.

Oh, and my brother's being REAL dumb. Sigh.