12.05.2004

Looking at the bright side of things, (Hee! Just as I typed that the sun came out like you would not believe! now the room is literally much brighter!) one good thing about all this suckiness is that I've realized who my true friends were. Not that I'm not friends with anyone I used to care about--I still have the same friends--I've just been able to better define their roles in my life. ____, you're a dear and I love you, but __thing you did__? NOT. ON. NOT ON AT ALL. Maybe it's better this way, when I just talk about school and religion and politics with you. You not knowing what's going on in my heart hasn't changed much. ____, you're a dear as well and I love you too, but changing the subject from my crappy life to your great one? In the middle of a conversation with me when I was telling you about all the shit I'm dealing with? That wasn't on either. I've realized I'm happier just talking about guys and gossip with you. Maybe that sounds bad, but really, it's more comfortable now. I know who I can trust with what information. And, it's not all been learning I can't trust people. Sometimes it's been the other way around. S., I love you. You're wonderful and really helped keep me sane. C, thanks for letting me take up all your time. I know my life is not that interesting, but just having your calm rational opinions on stuff and letting me vent with you even when I start repeating myself helped more than you can possibly know. C2, just talking to you for a second helped me sort out what I needed to do. H., thanks for calling me back that one time and listening. Honestly, more people need to understand how much good listening does. You're a great, wonderful person, and I'm so glad we're getting closer.

And also, everything I've had to deal with has taught me several things about myself. I've learned something I've always wondered--if I'm faced with a difficult situation, when I both know the right thing to do and know it will most likely cause me pain and suffering, I WILL do what I know I must. I've learned that I care about my friends immensely. Most of all, I've learned I'm strong. With the help of those who care about me, I can and will get through anything life throws at me. It's like that old song: I get knocked down, but I get up again! You're never going to keep me down! I WILL keep going. I CAN get through this. I'm going to make it. I really truly am. I'm grinning like a fool here and half crying, because I finally know it's true. I'm going to make it. Life is going to get better and get worse, but no matter what, I can get through it. I'm going to make it!
~me~ at 3:11 PM
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