12.03.2004

There's a guy I'm friends with who goes to my school. He keeps a xanga, and he'd written things on it recently like "i just want to die and i don't have a reason to be happy" and "i'm so f***ing depressed" and "i hope i don't start self-mutilation this time". I freaked out. I was scared, just plain scared. I didn't know if he was seriously thinking about suicide or hurting himself or whatever, but I figured, better to do something and be wrong about his intentions than not do something and be right. And I knew that if he did something to himself I would blame myself and feel unbearable guilty, because I had suspected something and not done anything. So I went to our counselor yesterday morning. I got out "I think my friend is suicidal" and started bawling. I managed to tell her what was going on, and although I was worried about how he was going to react, I felt like I had done the right thing. I guess they called him down and talked to him second hour, because in band (third hour), he walked up to me and was like "Penni, Penni, Penni." the whole hour, not saying anything else. And how am I supposed to know how he's feeling if that's all he says? So I did a breif version of my reasons--I couldn't read what you'd written and not do something, better to be wrong and do something than to not, etc--but I didn't know how he felt because he wasn't saying anything. Then, he wrote in my xanga:
penni maybe you should see a councellor they might figure out your life for you maybe they can make your dad talk to you like they made my parents thing i was a fucking psycho and not believe a fucking word of my mouth penni what a wonderful idea you had lets let my parents know who i was explicitly trying to keep my depression from know about it penni penni penni i tell you things and write things in my xanga because i dont everyone to know about how i am i only trust a select few and they i talk to and or have my site penni thank you so much for fucking with things that didnt need fucking with

p.s. i was only slightly dissapointed with you earlier today but now im rather frustrated with you

And I feel bad. I had no idea they were going to bring his parents into it (but for that matter, he never told me he was *trying* to hide it from them), and I still don't know how bad his depression is. I still don't even know if he IS planning on hurting himself or not. But I still think I did the right thing. I wrote him an email:

Hey _____, this is Penni. I'm sorry I messed things up, and I'm so sorry you're angry. That wasn't my intent at all. I was fricking terrified by what you wrote and I didn't want to see something happen to you. And you know, maybe what I did wasn't necessary, but my logic was, it would be better to do something and be wrong than to not do something and be right. And if I was right, and you did something to yourself. God. I don't even want to think about it. I would have fricking blamed myself for knowing and not doing anything. And also, maybe you know I took PALs last tri? Like the VERY first thing we learned was if we even suspected in the slightest that someone was about to hurt themself, WE HAD TO TELL. It was required. And there was simply no. way. I could have read what you wrote and not done something. I'm sorry if you're angry, but I'm not sorry about what I did. I would rather have you alive and hating me, loathing me, despising me, whatever, than dead thinking I was pretty spiffy. I would MUCH rather have you alive and being my friend, but I would rather have you angry than dead or hurt. I had no idea they were going to bring your parents into it, and I'm sorry if you didn't want that, because I know I wouldn't, but that wasn't my doing. I really do hope things get better, and I hope you're not too angry with me.

And yeah, that's basically how I feel. I would rather have him alive and hating me than dead.