12.01.2004

Why is it that my dad only talks to me when something's wrong or when he needs information about something? The total of everything he said to me yesterday was sorry I'm late, get any essays back, what time do I need to pick you up, and yelling at me for something dumb I did, and telling me to clean my room. And, when we're alone in a car for over an hour, that just doesn't cut it. He didn't ask me about my day, he didn't ask me if I made quiz bowl, he didn't ask me about my friends, he didn't ask me what we did in school, he didn't ask me a damn thing. And, with his book on tape playing the whole drive, that tells me that he thinks it is more important and more interesting than me. Why doesn't he care about me? And the dumb thing he yelled at me about? Basically, what happened was I should have asked him before I did something, but I didn't, I just did it, and I shouldn't have. But, the reason I didn't ask him was because I try to avoid talking to him. I can tell when I'm not wanted, and he never wants to talk to me. I'm not really a closed person. If I trust you, I'll tell you anything, but even if I don't, if I like you I can ramble on for ages. And if I do try to tell him something, even if it's just something small and random, he analyzes it and tells me, implicitly or explicitly that I shouldn't feel how I do. So why on earth would I want to talk to him about anything else? And in my depressed stage (which I think I'm slowly exiting, thank God), he was like, "You need to tell me what's going on". No. It doesn't work like that. If you show me you care about little things, I might tell you bigger things, but if you act like you don't want to hear about the little things, no way are you finding out about the big things! Why can't he just listen? My mom does a great job of it. Almost everyday I just tell her about what's going on, what I did in school, funny things my friends did, Whoohoo go me things I did, that kind of stuff. Nothing huge, but just by her listening I feel like I can tell her more than I do my dad--so much more. The only real reason I don't tell her everything is because I don't know how much she shares with my dad and I don't want him finding out. *sigh*. I wish so much I had a good relationship with him.
~me~ at 12:10 PM
Comment if you...